Revised Jun 6 2021
No. 39. Mr. P. Heywood to Miss N. Heywood
My beloved Sister.
Jun 3, 1792
I have this Morning received
your long-expected Letter dated *3d. June last
on which Day
we were within 3 Leagues of the Azores or Western Isles.
— From the Tenor of it I am sorry to find that the supposition I had mentioned to my Mother
in my Letter from Batavia
of Captain Bligh's suspecting me
to be one of the Mutineers was not groundless. — & did he then actually look upon me to
be one? — My God! — was my Conduct at any Time such as to give him the smallest reason to
distrust my Behaviour, or even my Thoughts? — the Omnipotent Searcher of
* see No. 9
Hearts alone can prove it never was? — did he then write to you to that Effect! — Alas! —
& had he so mean an Opinion of my Disposition & Morals? — But — I forgive his Cruelty,
& may God do the same! — Yet I think he might have known me better. —
Ah! Nessy — wou'd to God this Letter
had not come to my Hand! — till now I had almost said my Fears for my reputation & good Name were
groundless; but Alas! by it they are verified — that he, the first Commander I ever was with, deemed
me a Mutineer — Oh! Heavens! — The Thought is almost insupportable! — this
Letter has given me more Anxiety than all the numerous & complicated scenes of Horror & Misery with
which I have been familiar, since I was first a Prey to Misfortune cou'd ever do. — but I will endeavour
to ease my Pain & call to my Aid that Balm of Woe which has ever been my greatest Consolation (see page 18[*])
How kind my dear Nessy is Mrs. Bertie
— I need but express a Wish for any thing & I have it immediately — she sends me Vegetables &c
every Day — & Yesterday she sent me some Books to soften my Confinement & amuse the tedious Hours
— Adieu my dear — I am in as good Health as ever I enjoyed in my Life, & with Love & Duty
to my dear Mother &c shall ever subscribe myself
your most faithful
& affectionate Brother
[* From page 18:]
Oh! Hope — thou firm support against Despair
Assist me now stern adverse Fate to bear;
And Teach me, when by Troubles sore opprest,
To think they happen to me for the best;
To waft from off my Soul the Clouds of Woe
And make the big swoln Tear forget to flow:
And Oh! remind me that the Time draws near
When from these Chains! once more I shall be clear:
My long-felt Troubles then perhaps will cease
and past Distress be crown'd by future Peace!